Covenant Marriage (And Divorce)

It is my understanding that States of Louisiana, Arizona and Arkansas allow for a second, super-duper form of marriage called “Covenant Marriage.” While I am no expert on such things, I understand that couples opting for Covenant Marriage are really stuck with one another because the grounds for divorce in a Covenant Marriage are much fewer.

In theory at least, Covenant Marriage is really wedlock.

In 2001 the Census Bureau announced that the average length of a first marriage in the United States was about 8 years. Supposedly the overall divorce rate for all first marriages was somewhere around 40%. But here is an interesting statistic: the 30% level was not reached until the 18th year of marriage and the 40% level was only approached by the 50th year of marriage.

Fifty year-old marriages going down the tubes. Is nothing sacred? I guess not.

Incredibly the divorce rate for second and third marriages is even higher, suggesting we are either an unsatisfied or masochistic species.

Anyway, Covenant Marriage will supposedly put an end to all of this roaming. Or will it?

You see lawyers and judges know something that most of the general population does not: divorce in America is an illusion. Just as the marriage was never permanent, neither is the divorce. Divorce simply redefines the relationship between the parties rather than end it. In other words, no handcuffs are taken off when the judge signs the decree. Instead the case is assigned to a post-decree courtroom where the fighting and name-calling will continue in a different forum. The divorced couples continue to wear handcuffs. The only difference is that they have a referee.

So instead of “Covenant Marriage” I am now proposing a new legal concept: Covenant Divorce.

In Covenant Divorce, the handcuffs truly come off. There will no longer be any contact whatsoever between the formerly married parties. None. No visits, no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. All prohibited.

Just peace, quiet and everybody going on with their lives.