Pandorum

This has to be the worst film of 2009, possibly forever. Zero stars. I wish I could buy the last two hours of my life back. Yes, when I am on my deathbed and the sand in the hourglass is running out, I am going to be thinking of the time that I wasted on this film. Even Ed Wood would have given this film a "thumbs down." Plan Nine from Outer Space is Citizen Kane compared to this monumental waste of celluloid.

What was this film about? I have no idea. It takes place on a large spaceship and whenever anybody talks, there is an echo. The film should have come with subtitles, but I doubt that subtitles would have been enough to save it. The little bit of dialogue that I did pick up made no sense. Then there is some confusion and fighting. People walk around the giant spaceship. A couple of people eat living grasshoppers that are supposedly a good source of protein. Weird weapons are pointed at people's necks. People are put in tubes. There are some jumpy, pale, threatening, demonic zombie-type creatures who resemble the ones that gave Will Smith so much trouble in I Am Legend. They are supposed to be scary, but all I wanted them to do was finish off the main characters so that I could leave the theater and go home.

It is reported that the budget for this film was $40,000,000.00. A good piece of humanity could have been fed for that $40,000,000.00, not to mention the time that could have been saved from peoples' lives.

Dennis Quaid was in this film and it looks like all of his scenes must have been shot in a day. His performance seems to be phoned in, but at least it was a performance. I wonder how much Dennis got paid to appear in this turkey. Not much, I bet.

I am always interested in films starring Dennis Quaid. He has had some good films but he does not appear - well - selective in the roles that he takes. But he does have a name that at least the public recognizes. And so I sometimes wonder if film producers look at the big movie stars and their salaries, then keep lowering their sites until eventually they sign Dennis Quaid.

By the way, I intensely dislike texting - especially when people pull out their cell phones in a theater and start sending and receiving texts during the middle of a movie. Well there was a lot of texting going on in tonight's audience. But for the first time in my life, I wished that I also knew how to text.