I WAS NOT TRANSFORMED

When I came to my office in downtown Chicago this morning, there was a lot going on. As it turns out, the film Transformers 3 was being shot here.

If what I saw was any indication, it appears that Chicago will suffer much damage because of these transformers. The streets were full of “craters” which looked like bombs had fallen on LaSalle and Washington Streets. Some craters contained parts of cars or bicycles. In the meantime, twenty year-old kids, wearing baseball hats, were telling the passers by that they could not take photographs. The rebels among us took pictures anyway. But most people submitted to this pretentious display of authority and put their cameras away.

Helicopters flew overhead, presumably taking some shots of my destroyed city. Motor vehicles moved very s-l-o-w-l-y around the craters, but no doubt they will appear to be moving at forty or fifty miles per hour when the film is finally released. A forklift pushed a van sideways on its tires. I can only guess that in the movie this van will have first been hit by something or other.

A lot of people seemed to be working on this film. Trailers were everywhere, but alas, no stars. Perhaps they were sleeping in at The Four Seasons while lesser beings completed the grunt work. And transformers? Not a single one in sight.

I did not see Transformers, or for that matter, Transformers 2. I do not expect that I will see Transformers 3 either. Or maybe curiousity will get the best of me because of what I observed this morning. Maybe Transformers 3 will even be in 3-D; God knows everything else is.

I love movies, but unfortunately cannot find anything to see. Everything at the theater has a 2, 3 or 4 tagged onto the title. Or the film is about vampires. They call these “popcorn” movies. That means you don’t have to think as the reel unspools; you just have to eat.

Somewhere in this great country a man or woman is shooting a full-length feature film with an HD digital camera. But downtown Chicago has not been blocked off for the effort, nor has traffic been redirected. No permit has been secured, and if the police ask what’s going on, the canned response is that they are shooting a wedding video. The film may or may not be autobiographical, but at the very least it will be deeply personal. It will be character driven and will most likely deal with a major change in somebody’s life, or maybe even redemption. The entire cost of he film will be less than one of those “craters” I saw this morning.

Sorry Transformers, but that’s the film I want to see.